I’m watching a Turkish tv-series, Çemberimde Gül Oya nowadays. One of the main character was taken into custody and tortured because of political reasons. By the way, he was an anarchist. After he was released, he felt himself like a stranger. He couldn’t talk, laugh or even look the same way he did before. His wife behaved as she had never known him.
One day, the wife went to an interview to be a teacher. Both of them want to be a teacher. However, the man couldn’t because he was blacklisted. The wife thought that he was jealous of her but actually he wasn’t. He cried, looked at his hands and wanted a mirror from his mother to look his silhouette. He asked himself “Is that me? What did they do to me?”
He wasn’t the same of course. When you change, you can feel it with your every cell. You can smell and touch it for every piece of world. You don’t have to look at the mirror because people are the mirror. When you feel yourself like a stranger, they behave you like a stranger. No sincerity, no compassion, no help. Nothing. It doesn’t happen in the tv-series or films but it is the real result. Anyway, the man felt himself at home again as a part of the story. He started to laugh again in the same way.
I’m not lucky as he were. I’m a stranger to my world. I don’t think that I’m able to explain myself. This man was crying alone and couldn’t even say he wasn’t jealous of her. The process is the same with me. I’m alone for my every single tought. I keep looking at the mirror, I mean people.
One fucking night, I felt the fucking feeling again. I don’t belong to anywhere. I don’t have a fucking shit to stay. I was totaly desperate and this feeling was coming with me everywhere for years. I wanted to escape from it if it is possible. I put on my headphone and put on a music randomly. It started and changed another song in the list. Illusion from VNV Nation. I stopped crying and started to listen the lyrics. Then I started to cry more. I have listened this song for hundred times but i have never felt this way. It was like God was talking to me and I haven’t felt him for a long time. He wasn’t a stranger for me and I wasn’t a stranger for him. He understands me. Or all of these shits were just a coincidence. I can’t know. I’m here to learn. I know, this world is not a huge tv-series. But, maybe i feel the sincerity and compassion again, like the man.
I know it’s hard to tell how mixed up you feel
Hoping what you need is behind every door
Each time you get hurt, I don’t want you to change
Because everyone has hopes, you’re human after all
The feeling sometimes, wishing you were someone else
Feeling as though you never belong
This feeling is not sadness, this feeling is not joy
I truly understand. Please, don’t cry now
Please don’t go, I want you to stay
I’m begging you please, please don’t leave here
I don’t want you to hate;
For all the hurt that you feel,
The world is just illusion, trying to change you